things have been busy, if you must know. this time of both the good and bad kind. okay lah, i would not exactly say bad as in terrible lah, but there are some things that i would really like to just remove from my life and unfortunate i cannot so here is the sour note for it. boo.
i started to focus inward and re-discovered the more artistic part of me. this really started as an outlet for a lot of other shit that is happening in my life. and i realise that there more i allow the artist in me to… well… be herself, the more i am at peace with who i am and who i would like to be. at this very point in life, i know that i am artistically inclined. try as i may to stretch myself towards a more corporate, responsible, adult, practical existance, and the burdens of an unnatural world falls on me.
i realise that i enjoy the beautiful. i enjoy the weird and wonderful. i like quirk. and i don’t really care if anyone agrees. my definition of what is material is non mainstream. i don’t share the ambition of a lot of people i know.
and the more i try to fit into society’s mould, the more i depress and disgust myself. after all these years of so called personal independence, all these years of not having to depend on anyone for the life that i have made for myself, am i not entitled to break out of other people’s expectations and be myself?
i wore my pyjamas for rehearsals last week. rehearsals was set in a public university. it was the beginning of the semester and it was orientation week. senior facilitators were conducting outings for freshies and the campus was fairly busy that evening. in my checkered pyjamas, i took out my guitar and strummed up some random tunes at the faculty foyer while waiting for my director and co-actors to arrive.
well the students were polite enough and left me alone. i had one dude on a motorcycle honk at me, but that was as hostile as it got. generally, nothing happened.
i wonder what was going through these kids’ mind. a lost girl perhaps. half out of her mind. probably a drop out. person of no status. discarded by everyone else. better not get too close to her.
and a part of me likes this. i realise that i have been around people for too long. i was just telling someone just a few weeks back that i am really, deep-inside, an anti-social person. and i like being anti-social. every personality test i have taken has revealed me an an introvert although there are some people who insist that i am not.
and at that moment, of being ignored by so many people, i felt a moment of ease. a lost sense of happiness. finally, and i do mean, finally, i am a stranger again. gone is the image of this corporate power figure, this so and so specialist, this so and so expert in her bombastic field. all these power suits. all this social status whatever. gone is the name. most importantly, the name. i am finally a shadow on the backdrop of a stranger’s life. no one wants anything from me. no one needs me.
i am free.