i guess it is that phase that i would like to think that everyone goes through time and time again. that phase where everything is out of your hands, and you try and try so hard to get a grip of something – anything – and you realise that you not only really cannot – but what the heck, you really should not. and then you realise that it is not that you don’t care about things. you care. it is just that you care a tad too much. too much that it makes you cynical. too much that it becomes poisonous. because you care and everyone else is fucking screwing it up. and you had that picture of how it is supposed to be. the right way things are supposed to happen.
and you loved that vision. the way things are supposed to be. the right way. the best way. it is not to say that there aren’t other ways. but this is supposed to be the right way. the best way.
and then you realise that while this is your dream, this isn’t theirs. and i am so tired of fighting. i don’t want to fight anymore. because i might be the only who realises how fighting hurts this precious thing i am trying to build. and i might be the only one who realises it. and i might be the only one concerned about it. i might be the only one who cares about it enough to not want to have it hurt.
and so i need to detach. detach, detach. because i care. i care so much.