So far this year, well and come to think of it kinda a lot of last year too but things have completely intensified this year, I have found some difficult objects on my plate. Metaphorically, duh. And I come to realise things that I stand for. But that is not the aha moment that this post attempts of vocabularize.
I realise that I am not as gung ho as I thought I could be, and I care much more about the more intrinsic things than I am allowed to express. Does that makes sense to anyone? So many times I have been pushed in the corners between duty and value, that it eats me, man. And so many times, I wonder what is wrong with this whole picture. With this whole scene. And if, as they say, that really is just how things are, then is it me? Is it me who does not belong?
And in taking this idea a step further, do I want to belong?
The game is getting more, well here’s a cliche I cannot avoid, complicated. With every level, the game gets more and more… well, unpleasent. I know that word looks odd in that metaphor, but it absolutely describes this yuck at the tip of my tongue. All these forces at work, and yeah, there are greater forces at work, bugs me, corners me, eats me. At the end of the day, I wonder, and this I seriously do wonder – can people tell? Can people tell who is the avatar me, and who is the me in real life? Could they tell the two apart? Because they are two quite different girls, really. Really.