“I cannot bear it!” said the pewter soldier. “I have shed pewter tears! It is too melancholy! Rather let me go to the wars and lose arms and legs! It would at least be a change. I cannot bear it longer! Now, I know what it is to have a visit from one’s old thoughts, with what they may bring with them! I have had a visit from mine, and you may be sure it is no pleasant thing in the end; I was at last about to jump down from the drawers.” ~ Hans Christian Andersen

you know how sometimes people tell you that they are at a crossroad, and they have decisions to make and it is not just some what-shall-i-have-for-lunch kinda decision, but those life changing kinda decision. big decisions. life and, well, i don’t want to say death as in death-death, but well, death to life as they know it, that kinda of decision.

no, i don’t feel like i am at a crossroad. not quite yet. but i feel one coming up. like, there, yonder over the horizon. just a couple of clicks from where we are standing. in a little while. it is coming.

and i am still not sure if i am ready for it. i don’t know what to do. in the first place, i really am not sure if i want to come to a crossroad. if i could just stop time, and have just these few moments that don’t go towards a crossroad to just go into a loop, and replay itself over and over again, i think i would be rather fine with it. fear of the future. yes, i think i really do have that. fear of the future. fear of things to come. because i don’t know what will happen. and that scares the everything out of me.

and the reality about time is that it just does not stop. elementary, i know, but it has become something i am extremely conscious of. and you know what, everything is making me really stressed. i know that this sounds totally like a hissy fit but i really am not bothered at all right now how this is coming across. i see this. there it is. right there over the fucking horizon. and with every moment, it is incing right up towards me. and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.

i have to brace. for impact.

and no, this is not some helpless plea of some pathetic blogger ranting out to the world. this is someone who admittadly tends to overthink sometimes, trying to vocalise in writing the mess in her head, hoping that through writing all this dowm, i would be able to create some kind of order to the clutter.

right. step back, to the beginning.

this whatever it is is coming. and it is coming for a reason. the reason is, i have decided, is because i am trapped in a complecent place where i like some things and i don’t like some things. but of course i would like to change the things that i don’t like. in fact, maybe this is where everything comes from. i really really want to change some things that i don’t like. i don’t want to settle with just this anymore and i want to move forward and i am coming to a point where something, anything would be better than this.

but on the flip side, i have that part that i like and here i am worried that if this change, whatever it is, comes, might affect the good things. well duhhh, of course it will affect the good things. and i am not sure if i want to do that. wait, i know for sure i don’t want to do that. change the things i like. but it might not change. maybe. it might get better. that is a possibility too. but the risk of losing it – that kills me, man.

i just don’t know how long i can go on like this.

so there you are. whatever you are. don’t ask me what because i really don’t know what it is. i know this seems morbidly vague or whatever, but this is just how things are.

and it bloody scares me.

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