i realise that i have not been writing for some time. it is not that i don’t have things to say. and i know how lame this must sound but i have been in thought for some time. and it is not that i am at some kind of crossroad, but it feels like it. i feel that something must happen in the coming year. i don’t know what. i don’t know how. i don’t know why. it just feels like it. if not the coming year, then the next, but the coming year must serve like some sort of springboard for this… whatever it is.
i try to explore what led to this, realisation. can we call this a realisation? this inspiration? aspiration? motivation? i really don’t know. all i know is that whatever it is, i would like to be ready for it. i would like to be able to be able to seize it. and i would like happiness of come out of it.
i think it is because of the current year that is about to end. i learnt a lot about myself in this year. in a long time, this would be the year that i explored new things. things i never thought i could picture myself in. hello, theater? and who would have thought that i could come out of the year able to tell you how to glue on fake eyelashes, of all things?
more than anything else, i realise how high strung i am wound. this is not saying that i have been un-wound. i have to say that i am still incredibly high strung and this is something i only just realised. and i have not yet decided how i feel about this. all this while i thought i was a pretty slacked person, you know? but no. i am not. i am pretty uptight. i am conservative, i know, and i have decided that i am comfortably so. but there is a difference here. being high strung means that i am unable to let go. as in really really let go. and what a realisation this is.
CK pointed that out to me in my music. that there is still something trapped in me that i am not letting out and that is what is caught-in-my-throat, so to speak, everytime i perform. i realise this in my acting as well. and the more i look into the facets of my life, the more i see it. everywhere. letting go. letting go and just… having faith.
i don’t know if this is the same as taking chances. i don’t think so. taking chances is trying new things. letting go is a matter is giving it all, allowing me to lose myself… and having faith that i will land back on my feet.
i think i am scared. scared that there won’t be someone or something there to catch me, or that i won’t be able to catch myself. but there is also this fear in letting go, you know. what if i let go and don’t come back? what if i can’t find my way back? or if in letting go, i am not meant to find my way back? and that, all that, changes me. and i become someone else.
what if i become someone i don’t like?
and maybe this is the reason for the high-strung-ness. control. i cannot control things around me, but i can control myself. and if i lose control of myself, what more absolute do i have left?
and then there is this issue of control. why? what is with this obsession with control?
that is how i come back to this idea of faith. i think i need more of it. i really really think that that is what have been missing or lacking in me. this could be why i am so uptight. i need to… well, lose control, and have faith.
so yeah, i am expecting something to happen and no, i don’t know what. i really don’t but you know what, this is where in begins. i have faith. faith that it is okay and everything’s gonna be alright.
faith. en general.