Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. ~Rumi

Is it just me or is October just whizzing by incredibly quickly? In fact, I was just having this conversation that this year is really going at it at super speed, kan? I can just vaguely remember those few days this year that I didn’t really have something to do in the evenings. Don’t even get me started on my weekends. But October, how thou cast thy shadow like months in advanced, you sneaky devil! I have been having my October filled up since August. That is like two months notice, yo! And the appointments just kept coming and coming. You have absolutely no idea how many people are let down (yes Z and S, we WILL meet for dinner soon. Soonish. Okay, before the end of the year!) because of this insane schedule.

And it is not that I am doing a lot of things at the same time. Things are back to back, but not necessarily overlapping. Oh fine, not overlapping that much anyway. The point is, I really don’t think that overlapping is the problem. I think the problem is that they just keep coming, dammit! And October, oh October, you have really taken the ribbon for turning on the heat in my schedule this year.

And the thing is this, I am not hating it. Not anywhere near it. I am willingly and happily going through this crazy roller coaster ride. One project after another has really ignited a lovely creativity spurt for me and I am finding the experience quite refreshing. More signs that I have been on corporate mode for way too long, man.

At the same time, this process has taught me so much about who I am. I am realising things about me that either was not there before, or has been suppressed for just far too long. I would like to say that it is a bit of both. I would not go as far as to say that I have become a different person. I’d like to think that that sort of change would take much longer. But I feel like parts of me has been, well how to say, unlocked? Levelled up? I am this. Like really, I am this. I just never found a way to release that part of me. Does this make any sense?

And I want to say that I really am stronger than what people think, but I am afraid that people who listen or read this would misunderstand the meaning. It does not mean strength, necessarily. It does imply however, that I really am not as green as some people think and/or like me to be. Oh sorry sir, but years and years of cynical conditioning really does not wear off with injections of glitter and sequins, let me personally assure you. It simply means that sarcasm now comes with a sparkling red bow on top. Jangan sekali-kali ingat yang kau boleh push me around. I might be quiet but my plan to take over the world is very nicely taking course. And when that does, there are a line of unworthys that I dress in faux fur rugs and will turn into my personal footrests.

Macam ada tone diva pulak. My director asked if there was anything I particularly needed to be comfortable for the upcoming show. I told her I’d like white roses in my dressing room and diamonds in my sparkling grape juice.

You can imagine the rolling eyeballs.

But that is just it, you know. Whoever thought that there was that side of me? ME? And here I am, realising that this is a perfect example of what I have been saying all this while: This is me. This is a part of me that I unlocked? I am still not sure about that word, though. But for now, that is what closest describes this experience. No, I am not turning into glam princess diva. If you meet me in person, you will see that I am still thoroughly awkward and socially guarded. But I am comfortable in this form expression.

I like this place I am in.


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