so here i am. and for awhile, i thought i would like to pour out about everything that happened in the month or so and tell happy happy stories about what the play was like, how the music was like, how the hospital was like and all the awesome biatches i met on an almost daily basis and blah blah blah… and then i thought about all the typing i would have to do to match the thousands and thousands of so called words that pictures already tell – and there was a hell lot of pictures, as you have seen – and i thought NAAAAAAHHHHhhh… i think i would like you to have that romantic idea of what you think happened, and whatever it is, the good, the bad, the ugly, i guess they were all there, in some way or another. and maybe it it is age – okay lah, let’s just put it down to age lah – but i really don’t want to sit here and argue about perceptions. not anymore, i guess.
so yeah. guess lah whatever. they were all there.
i think what is important to talk about would be the lessons. okay, so now i really sound old, but i get the bonus of starting to sound wise as well.
people ask me why the sudden dabble in theater. seriously, one year ago today, i could never have seen myself as an actor but here i am, less than twelve months later and i have been on stage twice. siap hafal monologue and pergi audition lagi. and i know that you have never seen me like that before – all piled up with glitter makeup and hairspray and all that jazz. everyone who have known me still ask me, why. really, why.
and i thought about it. i acually had to sit down for awhile and thought about it. i swear, it sounds like i am going though some mid life crisis – life 20 years too early!!! – but in thinking about it, i thought back to the time when i first looked at the form to book an audition slot and thought, oh why the hell not. seriously. i have never in my life done a stage show. wait – does debating count? but well, this kinda thing anyway. never done it in kindy. never done it in school, not in uni. so there really is no benchmark in my life that i can disappoint, really. so, why not? i really have nothing to lose. of course, right about now the introvert in me is screaming herself to death, but if anything, it can only do her good to suddenly have a limelight on here with about 200 pairs of eyeballs looking on… right?
that really was all to it. i did it because i could not figure out a reason not to.
and the biggest lessons i have learnt is this: there is a hell lot of wannabes out there, man. like a whole friggin’ load of them. dreamers, all of them. dreaming of stardom, glory of the stage, all of that. any i know how this sounds but i am not saying this is bad taste. because i also learnt that okay, so they are wannabes, but this really is not a bad thing. and the more i thought about this, the more it makes sense to me. they dream of the big stage – west end, broadway – and i am thinking, at least they have something to aspire towards. it is not something out of their reach, it is just that, well, that really is one hell of a reach, but people have done it. and now they want it. and they life and breathe it and the live it. i think that is the most important part. for better or worse, the absolutely live it. and this is not a bad thing. i would rather have a big dream and jump as high as i can to reach it, than have no dream. i realise that too many people i have don’t challenge themselve to see how far they can really go. and here are a giga bunch of them who dare. whether they will land the big stage or not, well, i guess that is not the important point here. the lesson is about dreaming. and there are some hell of a big dreamers here.
in learning about people, i learn about myself. but i guess this part is more complicated and i am not quite sure if i have got this part all sorted out properly even. i learnt that even though i kinda threw myself into the deep end with this theater thing, there are some things i am willing to do and some things that are limited by my own ethics, moralities, and phobias. and that voice in me says i should be scared, no? here i am surrounded by people who are alright with it, but i am not? here i am surrounded by people who expect me to be okay with it, but i am not? and then i learn that well, if i am not okay with it, then well, they’re okay with it too. just that, whatever happens after that leads to different outcomes la, but so well, that is my length. it is okay. like i said, there are loads of other dreamers out there and if this makes way for another, then i guess we are both on the winning side of this – and i am okay with this point of view.
it is my blog and i will be cryptic if i want to.
i met some interesting people. but i guess to describe this lot will take all night long.
i was chatting with an old uni mate the other day. it has been some time since i actually corresponded with the uni guys because, well, i think i have quite made up my mind that uni was not exactly the funkiest time of my life. and i told him just that. you know how i am so fond of my high school friends? i find it so hard to push this sort of chumminess to uni friends. and what i would like to think that it was just the whole environment that i just did not jive with, but i realise now that it might just be me, and uni was a far greater culture shock than i thought it wasn’t. i am a different person now, i told my friend. a far different person than that bitter child that entered uni. he – who has amicably been better in touch with people than i have – tells me that lots of people have changed since leaving uni. and i realise that, well, i did not quite know them then, and now they have changed, i guess i hardly know them at all anymore. i have not decided how i feel about this, but a touch of sadness does make a momentary transit.
so that was, i guess, educational highlights from the couple of weeks. seriously, 2012 is turning out to be quite the transitional year and i actually have more of this kind soul crossroads coming up over the horizon. the very the water dragon, yo.