there is something about this lifestyle. i love it and i hate it and i want to keep doing this, but damn, how i wish i did not have it. in the most politically correct sense, i am now juggling with two jobs. my day job which i could really love more if some people would just pull the damn umbrella out of their asses once in awhile, but hey, i don’t hate it and it pays the rent and i can somewhat say that i am doing my tiny bit to saving the world through this would. yeah, superhero me. and then there is my other job. i call it a job because it has every element of what work is. i wish i could advance in this area, but it is so much work and it is so bloody tiring and when it is fun it is fun but i tell you, when the claws come out, this place feels like a ticking time bomb and all i want to do is duck and take cover. this is the superstar me.
they say you should always do what you love. and if you could find a job that you love, then you’re pretty much set.
thing is, i don’t really know if i have found one of those. a job that i love. i know what i love doing so i guess that is what i try to fill my days with. and yes, these things are peppered with things i don’t really like much. more than peppered, in fact. navigating and sucking in through them happens far too often for my personal liking. but this means that i do what i love, so well… i guess nothing really is too good, kan? and i guess a coupla hardships here and there only reminds us to appreciate things that really matter, kan?
i try to hold on to this. focus on the moments where life is perfect, even if it is just a still frame in my mind.
i wish i had more time to write songs. i wish i had more time for my guitar. i wish i had more time to play in the kitchen. i wish i had more time to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. i wish i had more time to spend with people i love.
well, i do. just in shorter spans. i guess this just makes the appreciation point stronger. still frames.
maybe this is just me lamenting. comes with age, i guess. a realisation that i want so much more, i can do so much more… if only i had more time.
no, i don’t hate this life. i can’t hate it. i am a superhero and a superstar. and if this means that i go to bed nearly melting off my bones at night, at least i fall asleep knowing that i love this. here. now. still frames.