That’s absurd. I love it. ~ Dr Gregory House, MD

the moment i open facebook and twitter today, i am flooded with friday the 13th announcements. macam gila paranoid sangat. it is not that rare of occurance even, i realise. last year berapa banyak kali friday the 13th and we were screeching like anything even then but guys seriously lah, we’re still here, right? we still have all our limbs and most of our motor functions, right? the world did not come to an end, right?

ya ya ya, its friday the 13th, so what?

well since so many people are talking about this day, that oppourtunist part of me is sitting up straight and taking this as an auspicious sign to update this blog. chinese new year coming up mah. and two weeks into the new year seems like an interesting enough time to tell ya’ll about some things happening in my life right now.

went for a casting session for a new theater production. a musical! i know, this all seems so sudden and i have only just started to put my toes in performing arts since, like what, late last year, and here i am, armed with that one dot on my back to say that i have acted in short+sweet, plunging into this huge production. i can’t say what it is just yet, you can be sure i’ll poster it here as the date draws nearer, but its a big deal. big playwright. big director. big names in the cast. speaking about casting, that’s been going on for almost a week now via a series of workshops. so i know i got a part in this production but i don’t know what is my role just about yet. i think we’re going to find out this weekend.

theater is such a new experience for me. one of the things i am discovering about myself is that i am more introvert that i thought i was, in the sense that a lot of the emotions i feel is an inward experience. i realise that with the exception of very few individuals, a lot of who i am is, well, how shall i say, manufactured. so much so that when i am asked to express certain emotions, even in acting, i find it difficult to bring it out of me.

but i am learning. to bring that out of me. both act-wise and real-wise. because if it is not real, i won’t be able to convince the audience of that emotion. one of the things they were teaching me is even if in that moment i don’t feel it, i need the draw that emotion from a past experience.

and this is where i re-learn, re-analyse and perhaps, in re-experiencing some things in the past, i feel, for the very first time, something outwardly. i don’t know how to explain it. things i should have expressed in the past, i draw from it and bring that out now. and that is emotional for me. it feels like i am re-exploring incidents and experiences where i manufactured an emotion, emotions that i owe outwardsly, and expressing it now.

in this sense, theater is my therapy.

one of the codes of theater rehearsals is that whatever happens in the rehearsal studio, stays in the rehearsal studio. and i appreciate that. because i don’t know if i am ready to be that kind of person in real life. i appreciate to have the chance to feel what i should have felt in the past and more importantly express it. but whether i am ready, or will ever be ready to share it with the world, well, i guess time will tell.

its a lot of work, this theater thing. and i probably will not have a life outside work and theater for the next three months. but i like this now.

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