just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you. – kurt cobain

i don’t like being uncertain. it makes me scared. and i don’t like being scared. i don’t like the whole package, all its wives and all its bill collectors.

and then there are some things i don’t like knowing either. it depresses me. J keeps telling me that i will get harder – more resistant to these negativities in time. thing is, i don’t know if i want to get ‘harder’. strike that. i am pretty sure that i don’t want to get ‘harder’. i don’t want to be a hard person. i want to feel things. i don’t want to know that there is something there affecting me and just say that it does not matter.

it does.

i know i get all cynical about people. this will not be the first time i openly tell you that i don’t like people. people are weak. people irritate the living daylights out of me. i like individuals. people that have half a brain in between their ears and actually know how to use it. but people – people make me angry. and i don’t like to be angry. it makes me cynical.

so no, i don’t like not knowing. and there are things i don’t like knowing. don’t act like i am some kind of a freak. you go through it too. we all do. it is just how much it affects us – how much we let it get to us. i am not saying that i am a superstar at handling it. there were times i fared well and i am happy to just be okay. there were times where i piss myself and i am humanly ashamed of those moments.

but this…

i don’t like this. this moment in my life. this phrase i am going through. i don’t like the lines. i don’t like the sides. you know how sometimes you wish you could have one foot here and one foot way over there? well, i want nothing. none of this. i want to not just hover over these lines and sides. i want out. altogether.

but here i am.

woohoo.

i am scared. i don’t know. i don’t want to know. but as with all things, it smears itself against my windscreen and now i got to go out there and pick through the wipers to see what the hell is going on.

so ya, i don’t like uncertainty. you can call it obsessive paranoia but no one is exactly holding my hand and telling me which rock to step on will not cave in on me right about now. it makes me scared. shit scared of tomorrow. and i don’t like that. it makes me hold on too tightly to yesterday. it makes me overly cautious of today. it makes me spew all sorts of illusions in front of the cards i have left and all this just makes me tired.

yes. i am tired.

but i have promises to keep. and miles to go before i sleep.

and miles to go before i sleep.

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