definately. everyone in the office is definately high on something and i regret to report that it might not be weed. that’s the strange part. my editor is by some stroke of luck in a remarkable mood. the designer revealed a sense of humour that i previously thought never existed beyond the smooth plastic finishings of his coffee mug. between the ed, the designer, a fellow writer whose cynicism seem doubly amplified today, another writer who woke up this blessed morning and decided to wear a fliry skirt to work, and lil’ ol me, i can almost swear that the rest of the office is conspiring to file a long, long complaint against our intoxicated department.
extreme happiness is an incredibly deceiving and extrodinarily effective mask.
i have a flight to catch in seven hours. i have not packed. i am still receiving sms reminders from team members of what to bring. cw reminds me of towels. hz reminds me of passports. zz reminds me of ponchos.
wyn and i have gone nuts. as i understand the latest arrangements goes something like this: we’re still seeing each other, but we are not going to see each other. something of a test for ourselves. if the physical element is removed from the equation of our relationship, are we able to function as two independent individuals in love with each other? personally, i don’t see this any difference from having a long distance relationship, just that the call costs aren’t as extravagant.
i suppose the real challenge is to see if the feelings we have each other will wear off in due time. he’s starting a new career and i am travelling all the time, so i guess we both have our own thing to focus on.
or so i try to tell myself. over and over and over again.
that thing they say about truth in repeatition… it’s slow. it’s uphill. sometimes i feel that i am still on the ground and nowhere near the sight of the top. or the half way point. or even a third.
maybe it is not because i can’t. maybe it is because i don’t want to.
on my side, my days aren’t so bad as i have plenty of people to meet and all. but my nights are awful. loneliness is one thing. insecurity is another.
i’m hoping laughter, real or faked, can keep these demons in me at bay. it is not easy.
so don’t mind me if i am immensely happy or exceedingly cynical or deathly morbid or jumpy from one end of the spectrum to another just like that, over the next few weeks.
god knows i’m dying inside.