i woke up this morning profoundly depressive. i have not felt so down for a long time. like most of my other negative awakenings, i have absolutely no idea what triggers such mornings when i’d wake up just feeling so empty. i fight back my tears, not really knowing what they are for. i just felt so sad. for no particular reason. but i felt like i had every reason to be.

i woke up this morning profoundly depressive. i have not felt so down for a long time. like most of my other negative awakenings, i have absolutely no idea what triggers such mornings when i’d wake up just feeling so empty. i fight back my tears, not really knowing what they are for. i just felt so sad. for no particular reason. but i felt like i had every reason to be.

but then, i do know. i do know what all the tears are for, and what the emptiness and hopelessness and depression that is just shrouding me is for.

and i’ve always told myself that it is something i could rise above. something i won’t allow to bother me. so many wonderful things are happening in my life and those should be what really matters, right? the good times are what i should be thinking about. things that make me smile and laugh.

but no matter how much fun i have, or how hard i laugh, i cannot push aside that piece of reality which remains a dark shadow in my life. and yes, that shodow spreads. it affects me more and more everyday. i try to deny its presence in my life. i keep telling myself that i won’t be affected by it. and i am usually quite successful. at lying.

but sometimes, i am not strong enough, and the darkness takes over me. and just for a little while, i allow it. i lie back and let every scene of tragedy play before my closed eyes. i see every sadness in every character, and all the characters are reflections of me.

i can’t be expected to be strong all the time. i can’t be expected to be brave all the time. i can put on a confident front. over the years, i have almost perfected the art of masking this great cloud. but inside, i am weak. i feel like dying.

and then i realise, i am dying. we all are. and someday, in life or death, i shall understand what all this is about. why it had to play out this way. i trust you, dear god. and i look foward to being in your presence. i shall live my life as bravely as i can in trying to understand your miracles. i feel it all around me, dear god, but i don’t understand. i don’t understand.

who am i? what am i hare for. guide my heart. please.

Welcome to wherever you are – bon jovi

Maybe we’re all different
But we’re still the same
We all got the blood of Eden
running through our veins
I know sometimes it’s hard for you to see
You’re caught between just who you are
and who you want to be

If you feel alone and lost
and need a friend
Remember every new beginning
is some beginning’s end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life;
you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody’s in and you’re left out
And you feel you’re drowning
in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone’s a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself,
not what other people say

When it seems you’re lost,
alone and feelin’ down
Remember, everybody’s different;
just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life;
you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
Be who you want to be, be who you are
Everyone’s a hero, everyone’s a star

When you want to give up
and your heart’s about to break
Remember that you’re perfect;
God makes no mistakes

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