my life revolves around three things at the moment. not saying that there aren’t any other things. not saying that other things are not important. but these three affect me the most, satisfy me the most, drpresses me the most, strengthens me the most, and weakens me the most. yea, it is certainly a very strange phrase in my life. and i’m loving every moment.
i was unbelievably blur yesterday morning. a very wrong morning to decide to be phazed, since i was supposed to tag with my ed to interview a minister.
the first of my three important things is my job.
i’m still exhausted from my trip to the east. i came back from sunday and was back to work again since monday, only to be welcomed by a delightful list of articles that i need to complete by this week itself.
its not that i am complaining about the job. this beats lecturing and advertising by miles. i love travelling and i am going to some pretty cool places. i meet loads of cool people, some people i meet are mean, but for the most of them, i learn to realise that not all people, and in fact more people that you think, are really good at heart. and this is something i feel is important. to see the good of the world. to realise the good of the world. to learn that there is hope yet.
but my job is taxing. it is tiring. i hop from hotels to cars to planes to buses (boy, do i sound slutty or what?). i walk a whole damn lot, not just in streets, in villages, in jungles, up mountains, down rivers. the hours are insane. laundry is a real nightmare.
but i’m hanging on. you know all the hopeful things that presenters or hosts say at the end of every travel programme on the travel channel? it’s true. no matter how crappy of a place they go or how weird the food is, they always end the programme with some glimmer of hope. i’m saying the same thing. some places i go are exceedingly more delightful than others, but every place i go and every person i meet makes an impression on me. and they are all people, in their own way, good or bad, people who teach you something.
that is why i would go anywhere i am sent to, be it a big city or a mangrove swamp. you see, icky mud from swamps i can always wash off and a little wound from a forest thorn i can stick a plaster on. but the lessons i learn from them, i can’t buy with all the money in the world.
the second is my postgrad studies.
my supervisors and faculty have taken it upon themselves to kinda force me to have some glimmer of progress in my research which, i admit, have been left marinating for far too long.
so i will be presenting my paper in a seminar next month. swell, considering that i have next to zilch to present in the first place. okay, so i have that shit about narratives, but even i’m not very convinced about the framework and what i’m supposed to do with it.
that, plus my notebook has been plagued by a virus that does not even allow me to access my documents at all. dad says that i have to seriously consider formating my whole pc. format? as it erase everything in there? my files! my photos! my mp3s! all the junk i have been hording for the past three years! and i can’t even access them to save them on a disk, cd or thumbdrive!
life’s very sad.
but i will finish this endeavour. many times i have thought of dropping out. i thought about it last night. and i will probably think about it again later when reading the journals i have messes my brain up again. but you see, this isn’t about me anymore. i sonfess that i have a selfish agenda keeping me on this course.
and that is you, you old bastard. when i get my bloody masters certificate, i am going to rub it in your ugly face, and i will hurt you. i will yell at you. the same way you yelled at me. and i will call you names. the same way you called me names. and this time, you will shut up and listen.
no matter how long it takes, i will complete my masters. i just hope that you don’t die before i have had the chance to say all these things in you face.
and thirdly, wyn.
the man who has been most patient with me, although it is evident that me would much prefer me to have a job that would not expose me to insect bites and and jet/car/bus lags too many times in a week. but he lets me, anyway. because he knows that this is what i enjoy doing. he might not be the sort to camp out in the middle of nowhere himself, but i would. he could tell me not to. you have no idea how much your words mean to me, dear. but he does not.
instead, he would wait for me. ready with plasters and bottles of medicated oil, he would. he would rat me back when i start bitching about my cramps, aches and sores, but he’ll always let me go off for more.
if the world my fair, i never asked for it to be fairer, just be fair, things between him and i would be perfect. a perfect life. a perfect relationship.
it’s frustrating sometimes, the things we go through. from the world. from each other. mostly from me. i am often busy. i am often caught up. i get tired. and i phaze out.
picture taken from postsecret.
and then he smiles at me. and he cracks some joke just to tease me. and then i realise, that no matter how empty or full my life is, this is something that has been there all along. from the times i lost everything and was jobless and did not have a clue about what kind of research i wanted to do, up to now, when people have to call me weeks in advenced so i can tentatively hope to be in town… this was a certainty that stayed. and this is what i am in love with.
i am crazy. i shuffle from places i work, to strings of appointments, to obnoxiously messy shelling sessions on campus, to dates with wyn. the only time i meet up with friends are when i need get some travel gear like shoes (by the way, i need to get a powered dive mask before monday. any takers?). i am completely insane.
so i want to apologise and thank you three. i’m sorry if i get tired sometimes. god knows that i am in serious need of someone who can massage my neck and shoulders right about now. and i’m sorry if i bitch just a tad too much. or get snappy sometimes. please know that my heart is set, and nothing can stop me. i will keep travelling. i will keep studying. and i will keep loving. not in that order, but equally across. no matter what.
and thank you. for the moments. for being there. for spurring me on. i think back to the girl i used to be, the debater with all the made up answers – to who i am now, the writer in dire need of sleep. i wouldn’t have it any other way.