Over the weekend, I have been receiving advice on living life with importance placed primarily on me. The message said that life should be lived for myself and I should first find that peace within me.
I admit that I ignored that message that weekend, being more occupied with engagements, which worked towards a vision of happiness, or at least I think so.
But then at lunch today, I was introduced to someone. She is stylish as in stunning. She has a stable high profile job. She has her own house with two cars. She is in her mid 30s and a very bright laughter. She is unmarried, she is seeing someone but the relationship is stagnant and she has pretty much decided that it is not exactly going anywhere.
But this is what makes her awesome: she is completely independent. She is the sort of strong woman that people would take a step back and just watch the aura of confidence radiate from her. And she is happy! She is the sort of person who have found happiness beyond worldly dependence and have a complete grip of her life and inner peace. She has lots of friends and a fulfilling career and a fun social life.
I am not saying that I am gung-ho to live life ala independent woman now. I simply admire her outlook of such positivity. Every new encounter holds new oppourtunity for her. As long as you hold on to your principles, she says, and believe that what you do is honest and respectful and good, life will take care of the rest.
Robyn told me that people like me invest so much in everything I do, work, relationship, that I get obsessed in it. Wynn tells me the same thing.
I think ‘obsessed’ is a strong word. They reply that maybe it is that strong of an… well… obsession.
But that is me, you see? When I engage in something I would put everything into it, my blood and sweat, heart and soul, especially for something I believe in, even more so for someone I love. I have always been taught to put others ahead of myself and let the interests of people who are important to me be ahead of mine, or overshadow mine, or even take over my own.
I realise that I have great empathetic abilities, which probably explains why I get unbelievably and unreasonably emotional at times. When we were kids, my siblings and I got to eat ice creams twice a week. Every week, I would save my ice cream sticks in the freezer instead of eating them. Why? So that my brother and sister got to eat them three times in a week because they loved them so much.
When it was time to move to the new house, and the three of us finally got to have our own room, I had first choice. Perks of being the eldest. But I choose the smallest room downstairs. Everyone else got the much more spacious rooms upstairs.
Don’t ask me why I do these things. I simply always put others ahead of myself. I go where others want to go and do what others want to do. It comes to a point where deciding things for myself is so hard because I never got accustomed to doing what I wanted just because.
It was not until just a few years back when I really did things or bought things for myself. But I never got used to it. Not even today.
Bottom line is this (its my blog and I will write long posts if I want to): how do I find that peace in me? how do I break away from the circle of always having to please people. I am not exactly an all-out people pleaser, just a self-ignorer, I suppose. I know all those things about real friends and how that will always stand up by your side even through rainy days and all so I am not exactly pleasing people to maintain pretentious friendships.
It is just that inner peace that I seek. Something that I am not getting. A gap in me still empty. A glow in me I am not feeling.