i treasure your love, i never want to lose it, you’ve been thru the fires of hell and i know you’ve got the ashes to prove it. -meatloaf-

I have not felt the blade twisting in me for some time now. Figures. Just when you thought the wounds are healing.

I have absolutely no mood for anything today. I am just fed up of everything. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when everything has blown over and everyone has stopped fighting. I cannot understand why people cannot get along. It would be different if they were criminals of unkind people or insincere people. But they are good people. They are people who care about me. They are good people who have respectful jobs and lead honest lives and dream of good things for the future.

So tell me why I should not just retreat into my dreams. In my dreams, everyone gets along. In my dream, everyone understands that it is not the genetic make up or right or birth of a person that defines their dignity. There is so much that we can learn from each other if we only give each other a chance. In my dream, no one gives up, and no loses heart. In my dream, we are all the same.

I cannot stand the batman life. I cannot stand being pulled on each arm in different directions. I cannot stand the sore in my limbs and I am tired of crying in my sleep every night. You do not see my tears. No one does. Because you do not want to see me cry. No one does. But I cry anyway. Because the world is too much for me.

I am running on hope, and not much else. Would you understand that I would give up the world for you to get along? Would you understand that I would give up everything to be caught in a continuous loop of that moment where we all sat at the same table together? Would you understand that it is you that complete me? All of you?

So let me sleep. I cannot stand the silence. I cannot stand you all with backs against each other. I hate not knowing where to go home to. Most of all, I hate going home to one place, but my heart going home to another.

But you see, I cannot sleep. I am too responsible. You taught me that. I must drag this burden with me every waking moment of my conscious life. I will call you, yes, and I will laugh. When you see me, I will smile. My heart will be calling out to you, but you will not hear. A blade will turn in me and you will not see. I die everyday you do not get along.

All I want is for you to be proud of me. There has not been a day in my life that I did not cry myself to sleep knowing I have failed.


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