i’m still trying to get used to the new feel this blog has so the feng shui around here might change throughout the day depending on what else i can snitch out of other people’s blogs or throw out from my own.
somehow the chi around here is… different now. can’t yet put my finger on if it a good this or not. i’ve always wanted sweet raptured light to be a white blog tho i’ve always doubted myself as to i am actually a white person. seeing my postings appear on a white blog personally gives me the impressing of maturity and purity… both of which are qualities i doubt reflects me very accurately. not that i’m not working towards it… it’s just that the mission frequently confronts me with questions that i can’t answer, or with answers i don’t principally agree with. if you know what i mean.
in the past, i have designed a radical blog that i thought closely resembled the limbo i am in… a black and white blog which cuts down the middle with wonderfully messy doodles and such. writing on that blog was a nightmare because the words would appear across both the black and white backgrounds rendering the entries a total eyesore to read. i thought it was beautiful. but i brought that blog down within hours of conception.
you’ll have to check back every now and then on the design bit. i’m still crawling my way through web designs [how do you think i destroyed the purple/grey blog?]:p
anyway, i received an email this morning that offended me and amused me at the same time. i still can’t decide which reaction to work on.
dose asked me to register with them about the samsung-mmu longest debate thing happening this weekend. my first reaction was wtf? after all this while of having forgotten when they went for big tourneys, nationals, worlds etc, now they call me for this? oh wait, it was not in individual email [that would have been flatery]… it was a mass email… to their juniors! this is where the offended vs amused bit comes it.
they want to compile the teams together. they suddenly thought of me. they want me to go under the upm banner, although they are very aware that they are the ones that built the wall against me debating in any national or international competition under upm funding. and they are the ones that made it a rule that even if i pay on my own to go any tournies, i will not be eligible for the top three teams.
so tell me, dear friends, why the hell would i want to debate for this organisation?
now that i think about it, the word “insult” comes to mind. macam kesian. and i really don’t need this.
i spoke to saiful and daniel last week about several philosophies of life, realising that this is what debating can do to people. some people can get so obsessed into debating that they tend to forget that there is a whole world out there of things that are just as worth and possibly even more worth the time than debating.
i expressed to them that having left debating, i realised new things and new friends that are just as insane and possibly even more sincere than debaters. don’t get me wrong. i have a number of good friends whom are debaters, some of which are still in the sport. but excuse my stereotype, but they are mostly old school debaters, or debaters whose life does not revolve completely around debate competitions and have friends outside debating also.
in a very crude way of putting it, i see a disturbing number of kiasu debaters out there, whom to me are just walking [and talking] invitations for a slap in the face. debating does get to ones head and it ain’t pretty. in fact, it’s fugly. in an extreme sense, the confidence it trains the speaker into having strips away humility and compassion for others. in upm debates, i’ve seen it happen before. and i’m sad that i see it happening again.
in saiful’s words, “just give it five years you you’ll know how i feel.” saiful’s wife, shirin is officially expecting their fourth child:p
so, as excited as i am in participating in the samsung-mmu longest debate marathon, if upm is going to boss me around the i’m probably just going to make a cameo appearance instead of officially participating.
i have learnt that my life will not whither into nothingness just because i can’t debate:)