my life has come to a point where i have to just take things one day at a time. i have to. it is like, i don’t know where i will be going or what i will be going the next day and the next. gone are the days when i can actually promise to meet up with friends and make appointments the next week or so. the best i can do is plan for the next day. beyond that, i am at a lost to plan my own life. i can’t even say where i will be sleeping the next night or so (and i do mean this is the most decent of terms). things can just pop up in the very last minute and i will have to pack up and go on the spot.
if i were to take a step back, i must admit that i have a pretty exciting life now. everything is spontaneous, everything is ever-changing and everyday is a new adventure. i have become incredibly versatile and i have learnt so much more about life in the past months as a writer than i have in two years as a lecturer. i have met many people. i have conceptualized many big projects. and with all my work and my postgrad recearch and all, i have been made to feel incredibly important.
but the price i have to pay now is the insecurity of the little things, losing grip of what i used to take so easily.
i have developed a horrible eating disorder and i think i’ve actually lost my sense of taste. carolin, santhira and vicky was telling me the other day that i have lost so much weight over the past few weeks.
my upm assignments and projects are all done at the very last minute. i am starting to become late for class as pn ain could vouch. i have dr shameem’s assignment due next monday and dr chan’s papers due next wednesday, all of which i have yet to draft anything.
wynn tells me everyday how much i have neglected my health with all my coughings and headaches. and i am in dire need of sleep.
but it is not just me. i am one person who is in control of everything that i can be in control in at any given moment. i have always been able to find my way around my datelines. it is all these things that i cannot control in my life, that’s what i am getting all bitched up about. it is worrying about how other people who are taking it upon themselves to manage my life that is driving me insane. it is all these rules and all these norms that people try to impose onto me that cannot accept. and it is all these assumptions people have about how i (should) feel and what i (should) want that is driving me towards depression again.
you see, i have no qualms at all with having a hectic life. moving is what keeps me interested. i have always led an active life and one of the reasons i gave up the teaching profession was to be in an industry with a greater pace. but my heart is not that strong that it can face all these challenges 24-7. i still need an anchor, an assurance that no matter how badly i’ve fucked up, something is always holding on to me, something is always holding on to me no matter what.
and now, it is the aligning of my life anchors that’s driving me mad. i cry at nights, and people can’t understand why. i swing from being unbelievably heartless to ridiculously sensitive to criticism. these are the things i do not have control over in my life.
i am seriously thinking of seeing a doctor about this. i don’t think i’m quite normal, though i do appear to be quite perky about life, if you meet me. then again, that’s why i keep a blog.