i can’t stand doors slamming and people shouting.i can’t stand people brushing people aside…but that’s just the way they do things and i accept that

Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny…It’s a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your destiny. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It’s your mission on earth…The Soul of the World is nourished by people’s happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only real obligation.
-Paolo Coehlo @ ‘the alchemist’-

i have been disturbed lately by a phone call i got from my mom last week. remember i wrote that my parents are moving into this bigger house? well, they want me to move back in.

it’s not that i hate my family or dislike being around them. it’s just that i have been on my own for like, more than five years now and i have grown quite acustomed to moving freely in my own space. i like not needing to report to anyone about going out. i like not needing to make excuses for coming home late or not coming back at all. i like it that my family does not worry about me when they don’t know where i go and what i do. no, i’m not doing anything criminal, but i just like this pseudo sorta independence i’ve been so used to.

my family tempts me with the ‘comforts of home’. personally, i don’t miss the so-called ‘comforts of home’. i cook my own food. i hand wash my clothes. i don’t have a tv, but i write a lot and i read a lot. i pay my own bills and my own school fees. but all this aside, i just feel that for better or for worse, i have grown apart from my family. and although i care for them and all, i don’t think i know them anymore. and i don’t think then know who i am anymore.

it makes me sad, but i’m used to them not calling me for months on end. i’m used to my dad not being proud of my achievements. i’m used to mom telling me that i should be more religious and comply to societal norms. i’m used to my brother and sister telling me i’m a geek. i’m used to being brushed aside in family decisions. not once have any of them come to any of my debate finals. not once have any of them came to see me receive my awards in uni. but i’m used to that. i don’t hate them. i grow used to it.

you see, amidst all that, i’ve built my own life that i can be proud of, even if i am the only one who is proud of it. a long time ago, i swore i won’t go home until my family was proud of me. i would not go home until they see me as someone who turned out okay despite all my shortcomings.

that has not happened yet.

i feel that my relationship with my family is most ‘normal’ when i am away i.e. outside the house. for the past few years, only when i am apart from them that conversations are decent and least hurtful tones are used. i know that i hurt easily, but that is just the way i am. do i actually want to harden up? no. i don’t believe in being rude. i don’t believe in hurting others. i might be very open to opinions, but never have i believed in hurting.

i cry a lot at home. i feel obligated and confined to their way of doing things. i can’t stand doors slamming and people shouting. i can’t stand people brushing people aside. not that my family are rude people, but that’s just the way they do things. and i’d accept that of them. but i can’t be like them.

so now i’m requested to go back home. and i am obligated to submit to such a request. why? i’m the eldest in my family. i feel a responsibility to be there for my folks. to help out with the bills. to keep them company. by brother is in uni and is currently in the devil-may-care phrase. my sister will be off to college soon and is amidst the ‘plastic’ phrase. i understand that my parents are lonely. mom especially, since dad is a pretty difficult character to get along with most of the time.

going home is just something i’m incredibly reluctant to do at the moment. i know i can’t run away forever. but i don’t think i’m ready to go home. honestly, i don’t think home is ready for me either. i realize that i’m sacrificing a life of difference if i go home, the comforts of free movement, the freedom of independence.

i don’t know what to do and i have not much time to decide.

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it… Because life wants you to achieve your destiny… -paolo coelho-

I had a lovely weekend. Wynn and I took a drive down to Port Dickson to chill out by the beach and look for ikan bakar. We had to park quite a distance from the beach because there was a pasar malam. We bought some apam balik, some ayam percik and some coconut milk and picnicked at the beach. Aside from the haze, the beach was surprisingly not all that polluted at all. I was half expecting oil slicks and garbage dumps but all looked pretty fine as kids and families played in the water and all.

Both of us have been under immense stress lately. Working and studying at the same time has been very pressuring. Except for hanging out with each other, our social lives totally sucked. In a way, it has been a bit straining on our relationship also. This time out was so overdue. I am personally so sick of traffic jams and cities and shopping malls.

We watched boats drift by. It was a pity that the sunset was shrouded by haze. We walked the length of the beach and we wrote our dreams on the sand for the sea to carry away.

Oh, and the ikan bakar tak jadi. could not find the shop :P

My Wynn goes back to his hometown today, leaving me without a companion for a week. Now he is two states away. Le sigh!

I have a mid sem exam for Analy Language and two assignments due this Wednesday. It is not that I have been procrastinating too much, but simply that I have been way too occupied with work for the past few weeks. I am involved in two projects now at the office. I told Jacky the other day that I am beginning to be a workaholic. Now, I almost know for sure. Don’t get me wrong, I love this job. Beats lecturing by eons. A career as a writer is rewarding but it is also demanding and tiring.


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