Wednesday, 5 November 2003>

i’m better today. i think.

i cried a lot last night. i think of a broken past, and it haunts me. i think of an uncertain future, and it scares me… and then i think of everything i have now, my family (which has been kinder to me ever since i’ve moved out but who still thinks i should reserve my opinions most of the time), my darling charm (who pledges to take care of me for the rest of my life), my job (do i need to bitch about this?), my studies (…or this?)… and i think i am happy. on a day by day basis, if i completely forget the past and just ignore the future, i believe i am happy.

but then my thoughts would wander… and then my dreams of beautiful possibilities will come. dreams of a fairer world, where hope governs everything, justice prevails and love rules. dreams of happiness. dreams of miraculous beginnings. dreams of fairy-tale endings. dreams of everything happily-ever-after.

… and then i wake up into reality.

where all my nightmares begin.

Tuesday, 4 November 2003 >
i am dazed and confused. all this jive about being bored and sick and tired now saddens me. there is a temper in me i am determined to supress. there is a frustration inside of me i am compelled to oppress.

but what do i do when everything i feel is beyond rationality? how do i choose when everything right seem so wrong- and everything wrong feels so right?

i want to be happy. that’s all i want. i don’t need lots of money. i don’t need a big car. i don’t need to go on shopping sprees every week and eat in expensive restaurants. i don’t need branded clothes. god, all i want is to be happy. all i want is for the world to understand that i mean no harm. i’m not a bad person. please understand. i’m not a bad person. i try as hard as i can to do as much good as i can.

i want mom and dad to be proud of me. i’ve spent my whole life trying to live up to their expectations. i try to be a good daughter. but everything i do is never good enough. i try. i really do. everything i’ve done thus far, all my achievements was just so that you can be proud of me. why is it that everything i do is never good enough for you? i remember, and i know i’ll never forget everything you’ve called me: stupid and useless and lost. you did not come when i got to the finals of the star debate. you did not come when i received that award from the vice chancellor. you did not come for my graduation last year. i’m sorry. but i don’t know what else to do. i’m sorry, but sometimes, i just cannot compromise anymore of myself for you. i’m sorry if i’ve failed you, i really am. maybe i am a bad person. but i cannot be who you want me to be.

now i’ve found you, my dear. you have given me a happiness i’ve never known. how can i let go of you? how can i lose the only love i’ve ever known? i’ve tried to correct every of my weaknesses for you. i have breakfast in the mornings now, as i’ve promised you. i don’t bite my nails anymore. really. for the first time ever, i have nice long nails now. i know you love me too. i know that you care. i try and try to be evrything you want me to be.

i’m sorry, but i realise that i cannot be everything that you want me to be, either. i’m sorry, but i cannot change anymore of myself for you. i don’t know if you realise how much you hurt me when you call me brainwashed or stupid or a blind follower. i don’t know if you realise how much i love you, and suppress my own judgements for you, to be with you, to make you happy. i wish you’d understand who i am, how much i love you, how much i need you– how much i need you to understand me, who i am, why i am. i need you because i have nobody else. nobody else sees me the way you do.

i cry everyday. i hate myself for crying. maybe i am everything they call me. maybe i am stupid and useless and lost and brainwashed and blind. maybe i am a bad person.

i’m sorry, world. but everyone wants to change me, and i could not take it anymore. all i want is to be happy. i want my family to be proud of me. i want charm to love me. and i want me, and my family, and charm, and his family to get along and accept us as we are. that’s all. and i’d give up everything i have for this.

… that was why i cut myself last night.

Monday, 3 November 2003>

alia found the cd! woohoo…!!!:D i’ve been searching everywhere for it!!! i used to have a copy of the cassette… but it got stolen. in a nutshell, i was involved in a motorcycle accident on the way back to campus during my final year a coupla years ago. don’t ask how i crashed into an inanimate object. i simply was not paying attention on the road. so what happened was this kancil stopped, some guys came out, picked up my stuff… and bloody drove away!!! they didn’t take all my stuff, but importantly, they took my (back then) new shockwave and my precious cassette in it!!!

moral of the story: use a backpack when riding a motorcycle. stuff in the carrier basket will berterabur when you fall off the bike.

i’ve finished reading the book on html. i’m working on building something now. watch out, world!:D

i actually finished the book quite quickly and found html theoratically easy… theoratically because i’ve not exactly practiced with it… yet… what can i say, i was distracted!!!! dad just brough back two enormous surround-sound speakers home and the tv now has come to live…!!! yes, alive…!!! alive with awesome powers of megnatism!!! i was watching ‘20,000 leagues under the sea’ on saturday night. yea yea, so i got no life… but i had big, huge, glorious speakers!!!

on sunday morning, apa lagi… mtv marathon… woohoo…!!!

a highlight was the ‘100 greatest hits from the past 25 years’ on mtv on sunday morning. i quite agree with most of the rankings… though i really don’t think nirvana should get number one. if i were to rearrange the charts, i’m put eminem on top and push everything else downwards. ‘billie jean’… number two?! *yikes!* and prince is up there? ok lah, ‘when doves cry’ is a great song, but dontcha think the guy is kinda freaky? no, not like aerosmith or van halen freaky… but just creepy freaky…

… and how did songs like ‘mmmbop’ (???) and ‘hot in here’ and ‘i want it that way’ (horrors!) get on the ranks?

my taste in music is changing i think. nowadays, i have a tendency towards mixes. mixed sounds like rap plus hip hop or classical plus contemporary rock or soft rock plus rap. i find sounds like what too phat and poetic ammo trying to do interesting, but miserable attempts, nonetheless. if someone could really do it properly, it’d actually be pretty cool. kinda eminem or coolio or marley-like.

i’m a fan of experimental sounds. bring it on!

Saturday, 1 November 2003 >
it’s one of those days again. it’s a saturday. a beautifully sunny, but not too bright saturday morning. why the hell am i at work?

i was an invigilator for an exam. zzZZZzzzZZZZzzzZZZzzzzzzz…….!!!!

let me just assure you that it is not only students who dread exams. lecturers do too. here’s when the confusion happens: students feel that the exam time, be it 2 hours or 3 hours or 4 friggin hours is way too shots. lecturers think that it’s just such a long time. i’m a student and a lecturer so i totally enhantize… this is exactly where my shizophernia takesover…

me as a lecturer: “… i’m bored…”

me as a student: “… kesian…”

me as a lecturer: “why don’t these kids just hurry up?!”

me as a student: “they should take their time and do it properly…”

me as a lecturer: “tak tau means tak tau lah… hurry up… hurry up!!!”

me as a student: “think harder… i’m sure it’s in there somewhere… hm…”

fortunately, i’ve been a lecturer long enough to extract some creativity while invigilating. after i get tired of aimlessly wandering along the rows and rows of students, i start down my short list of plans in case i get bored. two semesters ago, i started dooddling on the extra scrap paper last semester, i used the paper to engage in some origami. i make planes and boats and puppets and frogs. i gave all these to my neighbour’s sons. this semester, i opted to do something intellectual.


i resoluted a few days ago to be more computer and internet savvy. yes, this is a confession… i’m almost computer-internet illiterate. wei, i’m an english lecturer, give me a radio and i’m happy. so now, i’m self-learning html (don’t laugh, brian!!!). i borrowed a book from charm and read seven chapters in two hours. i think i now have a fuzzy idea of how it works. why? well… i was experimenting with some scripts a coupla days ago and kinda confused html with vbscript and javascript. i sorta destroyed some template on the net.

plus, some people have such cool websites and i know i can come up with something way cooler than that!that was my calling. i know i had to learn it.

at least i know i won’t have another slumber weekend.



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