you are free and that is why you are lost. ~ franz kafka

oh of all things – no seriously, we’re SO living in weird times right about now – of all things, it totally sucks to be me right about now. and you know the worst part about all of this? the speechlessness. the i-don’t-know-what-to-say-anymore crap about the circumstances i find myself in. i don’t like it. i don’t like being put in these kinda situations. i don’t like what these situations is turning me into.

a coupla years ago i did some research – and i do mean genuine, academic based, documented linguistics research – with regards to the intensity of situations whereby expletives – curse words – operate it. some of you may be familiar with the study as it did stir quite substantial interest back on campus back then. well, one of the findings of my research shows that when a situation gets impossibly – well – bad, as in there is no logical solution in sight at all, there is a dramatic drop in the use of these expletives. this actually concludes that all the bitching and swearing is really a positive indication that something is difficult but still logically possible. however, when things just get insanely impossible, there is nothing. no more complains. no more nitpicks. just silence.

that is where i am right about now.

and the silence is deafening.

this afternoon, i was unwittingly dragged into a conversation which drove down violently into my throat, the harsh reality of fake people. and as i am reluctantly inclined to accept as a fact of life, there are a damn lot of plastic people out there. well, i have always known of people who are not true to themselves, but corporate world has just redefined those boundaries by oceans.

you see, i’ve always thought that the media is the dog-eat-dog kinda world what with all the ruthless datelines and anal editors. but no man, not in the corporate universe. at least the media people are for real. well most of them la. at least in the niche specialised area that i am in. ini pulak in the corporate world, people are genuinely NOT INTERESTED in being friends and i personally have a problem with that. i mean, what kind of people come and spend eight hours (plus plus) in an enclosed space, day after day after day, with no intention at all in learning about the people around them and the stories that they have to tell?

the icing, my dears, if i may – then come the fakies. those who put on that ear-to-ear smiles and tell you that the whole world will drop to their knees at the snap of your fingers – the same bastards who would squeeze you silly just because they can. you know where i am coming at? all of a sudden, i find myself faced against a brick wall, whereby i don’t know how to navigate anymore. i am, by nature, a strategist and a linguist and by logic of both these instincts, i simply cannot accept just how flabbergasting this game is going. if you please, i just don’t know who to trust in that sense. anyone then is a possible plastic and i’m better off being one of those people who just cannot care less about that dark realm.

and i thought the media was the dark realm.

now you see where i am getting when i said that i really don’t like who i am turning into. i am trying very, very hard to focus on life outside of work, but the exhaustion of trying to stay afloat in those eight long hours gets to me and i tend to sleep a lot. OMG, i must’ve hit the ‘off’ button instead of ’snooze’ this morning and was almost late for work this morning. that is tip of the iceberg where my blur fever is concerned today.